I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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