the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
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