The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
Randomize
