Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
3pm strippers are depressing
You made out with two different species that night
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
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