Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
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