I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
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