i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
Randomize
