so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
