just wrote on a church. and then stalked a boy, by the way, i fucked him. him being your friend, also, love tacos.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
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