so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
