Pass out mid-funnel last night.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
Randomize
