I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Randomize
