i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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