uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
Swine flu. Run for my life!
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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