mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Randomize
