She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
