Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
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