Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Randomize
