True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
Randomize
