You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
