I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Randomize
