??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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