please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
it was like having sex with a tree stump
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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