I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I've come to the conclusion, I should prob have at least 20 hr supervision. I would say 24, but I'm guaranteed to pass out for at least 4 hrs a day
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