i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
tonight lets celebrate not being married
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
Randomize
