You blewit but ill be back in laekciew tonigthso calll mee
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
