it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
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