I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
Randomize
