it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Randomize
