You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Randomize
