I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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