I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
