I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
Is this like a preordered booty call?
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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