You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
