so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
Randomize
