I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
