I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
Randomize
