Screwed.edu
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
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