i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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