She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
