All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize