You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize