i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Randomize
