true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
