This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
Randomize
