Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Randomize
