Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
