so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
Randomize
