rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
I need moral support for this bender
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Randomize
