i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
