My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
