I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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