I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
As shirtless as possible
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
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