Ambien. No doubt about it.
so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
Randomize
