I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
Dick very happy bro
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Randomize
