All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
Randomize
