i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
