Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
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