oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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