If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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