One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
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