PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Still dying that you shit outside
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
Randomize
