next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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