If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
